Having recently ended a friendship with someone with a very checkered past, I am left wondering about the merits of therapy. I'm sure we've all either spent time talking to a therapist at one point or another, or seriously considered it. Therapy exists for a reason. It offers us a way to talk out our problems, be them fundamental and long-standing, or circumstantial and temporary, with someone impartial. Therapists do not exist in our lives other than to listen and perhaps ask the right questions that guide us in the directions we wish to go. They are not our friends, they believe what we say, regardless of the amount of truth we offer. I've known people who were forced into therapy as kids, and told the therapist what they knew he or she wanted to hear, so that they saw the kids as being in the right. Does this help? Not at all. Therapy can only work if one is open and honest and not afraid to shed his or her skin and get a little vulnerable. And this certainly doesn't work for people who can't stand to be judged, or those needing constant approval. And it especially doesn't work for people who fundamentally do not feel that they were wrong.
People who've killed people but then talk it out through therapy as a way to deal with what they've done haven't done anything to make it up to the families of those they've killed. The dead are still dead. The murderer can talk until he's blue in the face, but the fact of the matter is that what he's done cannot be undone. The fact that the murderer is in therapy doesn't change anything, and the fact that the murderer isn't currently murdering anyone doesn't mean that he's cured or any better of a person. The only way that someone can show that he's changed is by making a fundamental change in his life, a serious change. But what does that look like? It may be simplistic and trite, but it's true--actions speak far louder than words.
In my ex-friend's case, he didn't murder anyone, but he did serious emotional damage to a few people, and took away their ability to trust, not just him, but people in general. He claims that he's working through this and getting better by merely talking it out in therapy once a week. This has been going on for two years. What is different, you ask? In my opinion, not a thing. Yes, perhaps he truly isn't perpetuating the harmful behavior that sent him into therapy in the first place, but that doesn't mean that he's any better of a person. In his mind he feels as though all he needs to do is go see his therapist, talk about his problems, and this shows that he's trying, and shows people that he's changed. But it doesn't make it better, it just makes it go away. And in the two years since this has happened, because he truly does feel awful about it and can't stand harsh criticism, he can't contact the people he hurt. Again, this isn't a sign of healthy and improved behavior, it's avoidance. And sadly, I think this will continue indefinitely.
Therapy only works when people truly know they've wronged, and fully want to change, and therefore exhibit changes in their life. Talking is just words. I want to see change, not just hear about it.
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