Darin, the narrator of the episode, was driving on a four-lane highway when he accidentally killed a girl on a bicycle. He knew the girl as she went to his high school. It was absolutely not his fault, and also unavoidable. Everyone, even those closest to "Celine," knew that he wasn't at fault, but regardless of fault, it's hard to look the person in the eye who has negatively altered your life forever. Darin felt as though after this unfortunate incident he could no longer show that he was happy, he could no longer portray fun in any way, because he felt that he needed to show guilt to everyone who missed her. And it's true, he couldn't show that he was happy, because he wasn't. He was buried in the guilt that is unavoidable in those who have a conscience about their actions, regardless of fault.
At Celine's funeral, Darin was confronted by her mother. I can't imagine how difficult that moment must have been for both of them, but what she said to him in that instant resonated with me, and made me think of my ex-friend. She said, "I know it was not your fault, they say it wasn't your fault. But remember this, everything you do in life, you have to do it twice as well as everybody else. Because you're living it for two people now."
Unlike Darin, my ex-friend was at fault. He didn't kill people, but he ruined a few women's lives, and took years away from them. He took away their ability to trust, which is in a way, a death. As much as I try, I can't stop thinking about what he did to them. And I can't not think about that when I see what he is now doing with his life. I feel as though every single day of his life should be spent making reparations to these women. But he does nothing. He pretends they don't exist. He pretends that they are dead, but not of his hand, and that makes him able to live his life as he chooses. He should be living life twice as well as the rest of us. As my friend once said, "Normal people only have to prove themselves once, he needs to prove himself three times."
I've never accidentally killed anyone, nor have I done anything grossly reprehensible in any way. I make it a point to live a life that I will look back on one day with few regrets, none of them major. But I do feel a sense of guilt for some things that have happened. Once, when my oldest nephew was very young, I took him to a playground to play. While I was distracted, he slipped and fell and hit his head on a concrete tube. He wasn't gravely injured, but I wasn't looking for that split second, and I still feel awfully about it, turning and hearing him scream and cry in a horrific way I never want to hear again. I know that children fall, but I still feel as though I should have been watching. I shouldn't have turned away, and somehow should have been able to do something. I don't know if he blames me, or even remembers, but sometimes when I'm alone, I think of that day, and feel horribly for my actions, which were in no way reprehensible, but completely understandable. But I feel guilty still. I think I'm probably fairly normal for feeling this way.
I can't ask someone to feel guilty if he doesn't. I can't imagine how I would feel if I were him, living a life knowing that I've done such a horrific act. Although we are no longer friends, and I have no emotional investment, the part of me that wishes that humanity was inherently good wishes he was living a life twice as well, not half as well, which is the reality of his life.
I take comfort in knowing that what I believe should be his regrets, will never be mine.
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