We've all been through our fair share of breakups. Maybe if you're 8, you haven't experienced one yet, but even my 11-year-old nephew was recently broken up with by his first girlfriend. Each breakup is different; maybe you initiated it, maybe he initiated it, maybe it was mutual, maybe it ended amicably, or maybe it was more painful than you could ever imagine.
Recently, a friend of mine was dumped. She was thoroughly and unabashedly in love with him. From what I saw and from the stories I heard, they were stupidly and completely retardedly in love with each other. Their banter was quick and neverending, their senses of humor were super similar, and they were all over each other in public. They couldn't keep their hands off each other. They spent every weekend together, never separating, and then Monday would come and they would part unwillingly, lingering as long as possible with one another before having to start the work week. They texted all day long and they sent each other silly emails, showing that they were thinking of each other throughout the work day. They shared painful parts of their pasts, and they looked forward to their future, making plans together.
They were a closer couple than I have ever witnessed. I loved watching their relationship grow and blossom. She was happier than I've ever seen her. She giggled all the time, would smile at her phone whenever he called or texted. I've never seen her more excited about life.
Out of the blue, they had a misunderstanding, that turned into a fight, that turned into a breakup. This breakup has been final, at least on his part. He refuses to speak to her. In truth, this is a minor problem, but the fact that he won't speak to her makes it final. I've never seen my friend more devastated. It pains me to see her in this state, but these past few weeks have taught me a few things about surviving a breakup, whether it's yours, or a close friend's.
1. If things are going well for you, don't share your own happy stories with her. SHE DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR THEM. Hearing happy stories will only make her feel worse. Hold off.
2. LISTEN. Just be there to listen. This is a horribly painful time, but it will pass. You don't need to tell her about that great time you had at that show last night. She doesn't care, nor can she even see what fun is right now. Her heart is broken. She just needs to be able to talk it out.
3. Don't force her to go out until she's ready. This can quickly backfire. I forced my friend to go out before she was ready and she ended up bawling in the middle of the bar. She won't be bawling forever, let her spend this time just being sad if she wants to be sad.
4. Offer to bring her sad movies. Sometimes we just need to have as many sad outlets as possible, and at one point, she will be all cried out. But give her time to get there on her own.
5. Everybody handles breakups and uses crutches differently. Some people eat to drown their sorrows, while others can't consume any food at all. My friend has the latter problem. If she's not eating, don't force her. Don't remind her, like a mother, that she "needs to eat." She knows this. And she will at some point. A tricky little way of getting her to eat is to order a delicious pizza that you know she loves for you to eat at her house. Eat a couple of slices. Leave the rest there. It will probably be eaten at some point.
6. If your friend is drinking uncontrollably, or excessively doing drugs, try and help her. If she's just drinking moderately, let her know that it's ok, and that it will end. She will grow tired of it, anyhow.
6. Keep an eye on her, but not like a hawk. Make sure that she's just down, and it's not detrimental. If she exhibits signs that she may hurt herself, get her help. She might fight you, but if you are genuinely worried she might be contemplating suicide, a small fight now will be worth it in the long run.
7. Don't tell her to "cheer up." That's a pretty fucking stupid thing to say. That's the kind of thing you say when she's lost her favorite sweater, not when she's lost the love of her life.
8. Offer to take her somewhere safe, where she doesn't know anybody, where she can really let go. Perhaps take her out of town for a couple of days, just for a change of scenery. Sometimes just getting out of one's comfort zone is enough.
9. Listen to her when she talks about hope for a reconciliation. But remind her that he was the one who initiated the breakup, so he needs to initiate the reconciliation. Try and keep her strong.
10. Some people like to hole up in their houses for awhile and just wallow. Let her do this for awhile, but offer to come over and listen to music and drink wine. One day she'll say yes.
11. Remind her that there are things doctors can prescribe to help us through trying times. Tell her that it is ok to seek a little help, even in pill form. She's on anti-anxiety medication temporarily, and it seems to be helping with the panic attacks. Additionally, she's taking a sleep aid, and finally sleeping through the night.
12. Let her know that you are there for WHATEVER SHE NEEDS. It's up to her. This time will pass, and the way you handle things now will be remembered for the long-term.
No comments:
Post a Comment