My Jam (In Relationships)

I take a little while to warm up in relationships. I'm wary, and protective of myself, and have jumped into things way too early only to have them crash and burn right away. So now, I take my time, I like to get to know people, to learn whether or not I can trust them, and keep some of my secrets until I know people deserve to know them, and can handle them. Telling people my secrets is like giving away a little part of myself, and I have to know that people won't judge me for them, and will stick around once I've shared. So I take my time.

I shouldn't have to apologize for the way that I am. I shouldn't be judged for the way that I am either. But I have had to apologize and I have been judged. Sometimes I don't fit into someone else's time frame, and they try and force me into things I'm just not ready for. I know myself, and in certain circumstances, I will get there, but I get resentful, and pull away when I am forced to do things I know will come in time.

I've been in all sorts of relationships, that worked on all sorts of different time frames. I dated a guy for a month and a half and we never spoke exclusivity. I ended it when I realized that I would never want exclusivity with him.

I was in a relationship for a year where we never spoke exclusivity, but it was understood. We ended it when he realized he could never commit fully.

I've been in long and beautiful relationships where everything happened naturally and organically. We talked about things when they came up, we had trust, and we fully loved one another. But we weren't ready to take that next step, probably because we were both young and still searching for ourselves. Looking back, I am completely happy that we chose to end things when we did.

I've been in relationships that lasted a very short amount of time, overall, but in the great scheme of things, felt much longer because they were rushed. I recall one relationship where he asked me to be exclusive after two weeks. He told me he loved me after three. Looking back, I was happy because I truly was interested, but I should have been more forthright in slowing things down, because I really don't think he knew me well enough to truly love me. I wasn't ready to take steps, nay jumps, that he wanted to take. I was berated and judged for this, and I still feel as though I did what I think was right. I should never be forced to fit into someone else's time frame, and I shouldn't be judged for who I am. Looking back, I wish I'd jumped because I truly loved him.

I've learned a great deal about myself through these relationships. And I have learned what it is that I will do. I always must be true to myself first and foremost. And if people can't handle this, then they don't deserve to see me through to the really good stuff that will come in time.